2015 has got me wound

This year seems to be steam rolling……

The overwhelming productiveness urge and need to spring clean my life from top to bottom is fierce this year.  More so than I can ever remember. Watch out to-do list…I am coming for you.

Last week, while digging in the safe, I came across my 2011 goals unopened.  Yeah, Yeah….I know, sue me.  Anyway, in great multitasker fashion, I skimmed the page and stuffed it back in the safe. But I have been chewing on the list ever since. You see, most of the list would still be on my goal list for 2015 if I had written them yet.

Finish floor plans, work on house cost-estimate, finish paying off credit card debit, HAVE A BABY……Ok, I did get pregnant in 2011 with Mae Mae so I did get that one done…but since we have been trying since 2009, it is always on the list.

I spent the weekend working on plans with an engineer friend and surveying the house site.  PROGRESS…..

Started seed in the basement for all the high tunnel tomatoes and cucumbers. PROGRESS………………..

Wrapped up endless hours pouring over seed catalogs and placed the remaining seed order.  There are 10,000 onions headed our way first of March. PROGRESS………

I have this overwhelming (mostly claustrophobic) urge to purge what hasn’t already been displaced from our home.  When I open the hallway utility closet I feel like I can’t breath….The donation box is going to get a work out this weekend.

Do you ever daydream about selling everything buying a van and hitting the road?  Or traveling till the money ran out.  Just a plane ticket and a backpack…… I do…Always have, but more so this January than ever before.  There are so many great road schooling families traveling the world and blogging all about it.  Checkout #ouropenroad on Instagram and you will want to flee the mainland too.

I want to write more.  Screw these little snippets of few minutes I find now and then at work.  I want to actually find time to write.

This is the year…I can feel it.   Possibilities seem truly endless right now.

The year that the list gets completed or burned.  Whichever comes first.

I can’t take the weight of it any longer.

Something has to get lighter.

I have never picked a word of the year. Always thought is was a little damn cheesy but that last sentence just hit home.

Lighter…..

Yep,  I think it picked itself.

 

 

 

I blinked

I knew there was something I was forgetting…..Kind of like that damn dream where you wake up in a cold sweat because you just know that you enrolled in a class in college and you forgot to go…I am going to just chalk this month up to motherhood amnesia and life…A whole lot of life.

To be honest, I am a little life hungover right now but in a good way. My introverted self is exhausted to the core but in a good cozy by the fire, warm in your tummy, content sort of way. That may not make sense to anyone else but me…..

So, where have I been? Good question and I am not sure I have a solid answer. But, I am going to throw it all out there in true photo dump blog fashion.

We closed up the high tunnel for year. Disced that lettuce right under and said good night.

 

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We traveled out-of-town to see a local Christmas production….We lasted till intermission before we bailed. I know it is rude but Mae and adults alike had had there fill.

 

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We hosted godparents and family this past weekend for Mae’s baptism. I overly stressed in true Stacie fashion and was drained when it was all over but we had a wonderful time. Mae loved her dress and knew it was her special day. She sang a little song all the way to Mass that morning…..”Baptism…Baptism….Baptism!”

 

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OH…yeah and there was a Thanksgiving in there somewhere…

 

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This was our first PALEO Thanksgiving and it was a hit.

 

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We said goodbye to this guy. We was getting up there in years and not moving the best any longer. It was also time to bring in some new genetics….So…. we artificially inseminated 25 cows this past weekend (and a baptism, crazy – I know).

 

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Add Christmas shopping and prep for a house full the day after Christmas…..

Oh…and we are working on another Christmas project for Mae.  I am envisioning a late night Christmas eve again……More to come on that.

 

just in case you are wondering….

Things about me.

 

  1. I have to sleep with a fan and I love the comforting sound of a space heater. (I run one most of the year round in my office)
  2. Type A. Enough said.
  3. I would rather listen to NPR or sit in silence during my commute. It is when I do my best thinking.
  4. I crave functionality in my work and home.
  5. I don’t like cake or baked goods…But don’t try and stop me from a good piece of dark chocolate.
  6. I have no fashion sense. Never have had. But I am working on it.
  7. I am energized by planning. I love logistics.
  8. Sometimes I am so organized I loose things.
  9. I don’t have a facebook page and don’t see the need to get one.
  10. Most of my girlfriends live elsewhere and I find it hard to branch out locally to make new friends.
  11. I love to clean and declutter. It is refreshing.
  12. I literally dream of house plans daily.
  13. I am an interior design blog junky.
  14. I would love to have many more babies, God willing.
  15. I got my first smart phone six months ago and I am hooked.
  16. I grew up in a house with no TV and would love to get there again one day.
  17. I can’t take a decent selfie. I have proved it to be impossible.
  18. All the things I gave my mom hell about…I am now doing. (Yes, I wan’t my own homemade yogurt maker.)
  19. I am an acupuncture and chiropractor kinda of girl.
  20. SHORT FUSE HERE.
  21. I love a good wheat beer. Not much of a wine fan.
  22. I love a good concert.
  23. I love a good hot day on the river.

running 100 years late

I have always felt like I was born in the wrong century.  Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of modern conveniences that I adore but I have romanticized life before all of this.

A life of homesteading and homemaking.

A life of simple living.

A life of simple joys.

A life of tight-knit families and community.

A life of hard hard work and no idle hands.

Do you ever wonder about the simplicity of it all?

 

i don’t know where i want to be

Have you ever noticed how many children’s book share the same title and first line of the book?

I always read the title of the book out loud, discuss the cover and flip open to the first page. More often than not, I end up repeating myself when I read the first line.

So, in great children’s book fashion. I DON’T KNOW WHERE I WANT TO BE. Picture arms pointed up to the ceiling in mock warrior one position.

I stood on three different possible home sites this weekend and they don’t feel right. Not a single one of them.

Before I go on, I want to clarify that this is not a case of being an indecisive ninny. I am grateful that I have the option to stand with my own two feet, on land we own, and even dare to dream of a farmhouse.

Something just feels off.

It is that feeling of driving down the highway on a foggy morning. I just can’t quite see through the clouds just yet. I keep waiting for a moment of clarity when I pop over a hill. Wouldn’t it be nice if the clouds parted and sunshine fell out of the sky to illuminate the perfect plan?

Damn, if only. Clarity in the form of a literal sign on the road. A stake in the ground, that says HERE IS WHERE YOU SHOULD BUILD. HERE IS THE LOCATION FOR YOUR FOREVER HOME. HERE IS WHERE YOUR WHEEL CHAIR RAMP WILL NEED TO BE ONE DAY.

I am a planner. A mapper. I make goals. I write them down and cross them off. I have always known what I wanted. Then I worked my tail off to get it.

I have been working on this one for five years. And I keep pulling my hair out trying to reach this goal. What if it is not me? What if I have the wrong goal? What if is not the plan or the execution but the goal itself.

Does this mean we are meant to buy an adjoining farm? Build on it? Renovate that farm house?

I can’t see where I am going…….

confessions of a serial mover

I have moved something like 20 plus times. I honestly stopped counting and it makes my head hurt to think back and try to figure it out. But I grew up with kids that have had the same bedroom their entire lives and never started at a new school. That is a mind-blowing concept for me. As a kid, I was envious, confused, and suspicious of someone who had never moved….ever…..

Even though new towns, people and experiences shaped me and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, I am staring down the barrel of Mae Mae growing up in mostly the same spot in the world her whole life. It is comforting in a way. She will always know where home is. But I worry.

What if she doesn’t get that exposure to new places like I did? How do I expose her to all the world has to offer from the same small 240 ac spot in the world.

end of the season sunflowers

end of the season sunflowers overlooking the turnips

I spent half my childhood in Los Angeles. Visiting Grandparents in a high-rise condo in Century City. Eating out at over priced restaurants where children should have never been. Day trips to Malibu. Birthdays at the beach. Traffic jams on the 405 freeway. Yearly trips to Disneyland.

Granted, I don’t want to live that life but will Mae miss out???

Is it possible to live a simple self sustaining lifestyle on a rural farm and not shelter your children?

Where do I start?

I have a dream…

………..of a produce market on the farm.

A venue with produce available no matter the farmer’s market season.

A venue to clean, store, pack, price, showcase and sell what we grown just down the hill.

Rustic – Red – Cozy – Fresh – Simple

A pumpkin patch and hayride in the fall. Homemade cider and games.

Acres and acres of produce………………

let’s take it easy

So…. It has been 10 days since I posted last.  I have started many a post but never got the ball rolling to finish them and they just didn’t feel right anyway.  Things for me have just been in survival mode so I guess is where the blog has been too.

I feel torn.  I have this desperate need to curl up in the bed and rest.  I am craving comfort.  My body needs it.  The stress level has taken its toll and just even the slightest bump in the stress leaves me coming apart at the seams.  Exhaustion rules right now.

But on the flip side…I need to get out.  Walks on the farm even for just a few moments are the best medicine I can find.

a wall of sunflowers

a wall of sunflowers

 

 

giant pumpkin fun

giant pumpkin fun

 

 

sunflowers and storm clouds

sunflowers and storm clouds

 

 

happy cows grazing fresh pearl millet

happy cows grazing fresh pearl millet

 

 

sweet bebe

sweet bebe

 

Ease and comfort and family and farm are what refreshes me.  So…the blog might have to be easy for now too.  Pictures of what is good.

Do you mind?

healing slowly…..

 

Mae’s sweetness is keeping me going.

 

Moments like…..

When she puts her little arm around me while laying on the floor, coloring and says “ok, mommy?”

Yes, I am sweets.  Or, I will be soon.  No matter that I was writing out the names of all my babies on the coloring book at that exact moment. She knew.  Yes, she did.

Moments like…..

When we are cuddled up on the chaise lounge watching “evie” (TV in our house) and when I scooch her up higher so she can see better…..And she says, “no, mommy, cuddle” and she scooches right back down and lays her head on my chest.

Moments like……

Every morning without fail she wakes up at 5:30…..she just wants to get in bed with me to cuddle.  After a quick swig of milk she is fast asleep.

All the while, tugging on my ear for comfort.  There is no way I can sleep but it doesn’t matter.

Moments like…..

When Mae climbs up in her booster seat for dinner and says….“for this day…amen……god bless me”.

I wish I could say that it is due to our prayer diligence at the table but I will have to concede that it is probably the influence from daycare….

 

Another day with Mae is another day to heal.

there is grace……………

As we deal with the fallout of another pregancy loss, I desperately searching for the good in every day.

 

the stunning simple beauty of a coneflower

the stunning simple beauty of a cone-flower

 

 

sweet natured babies

this sweet natured beauty

 

shared nap time with this bebe

shared nap time with this bebe

 

cold wet summers with lush green growth make for happy cows

cold wet summers with lush green growth that make for happy cows

 

puzzle time

puzzle time

 

the magic of a toddler putting everything they can in to rows

the magic of a toddler lining up everything they can….

 

 

The good is there….it is all around us.  I just need to remind myself to take the time to see it.

 

 

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