i don’t know where i want to be

Have you ever noticed how many children’s book share the same title and first line of the book?

I always read the title of the book out loud, discuss the cover and flip open to the first page. More often than not, I end up repeating myself when I read the first line.

So, in great children’s book fashion. I DON’T KNOW WHERE I WANT TO BE. Picture arms pointed up to the ceiling in mock warrior one position.

I stood on three different possible home sites this weekend and they don’t feel right. Not a single one of them.

Before I go on, I want to clarify that this is not a case of being an indecisive ninny. I am grateful that I have the option to stand with my own two feet, on land we own, and even dare to dream of a farmhouse.

Something just feels off.

It is that feeling of driving down the highway on a foggy morning. I just can’t quite see through the clouds just yet. I keep waiting for a moment of clarity when I pop over a hill. Wouldn’t it be nice if the clouds parted and sunshine fell out of the sky to illuminate the perfect plan?

Damn, if only. Clarity in the form of a literal sign on the road. A stake in the ground, that says HERE IS WHERE YOU SHOULD BUILD. HERE IS THE LOCATION FOR YOUR FOREVER HOME. HERE IS WHERE YOUR WHEEL CHAIR RAMP WILL NEED TO BE ONE DAY.

I am a planner. A mapper. I make goals. I write them down and cross them off. I have always known what I wanted. Then I worked my tail off to get it.

I have been working on this one for five years. And I keep pulling my hair out trying to reach this goal. What if it is not me? What if I have the wrong goal? What if is not the plan or the execution but the goal itself.

Does this mean we are meant to buy an adjoining farm? Build on it? Renovate that farm house?

I can’t see where I am going…….

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